Survival: Relationships

Most people are trying to find their soul-mates in their life and donate a lot of their time building up relationships to be perfect.

At the very bottom steps there’re apps like tinder, okcupid or happn, higher up people can try dating just people they meet in their life.
At those bottoms steps there are many different things to look for. I, personally, feel a bit perplexed about why I use these apps, since I’m not planning to have children, nor to live my life in my current country in the medium-term even.
Any relationship I might come across would be abruptly distorted by my leaving in about 3 years. I justify this with the notion that nothing can stand in the way of the freedom I chose, nor any government, nor any political leader, not my family, my parents, siblings, and not any significant other; because pursuing what’s the uppermost right, should stand above things which are… only right.

Although I like the feeling to rely on someone more than on a frak-buddy, or a friend-with-benefits (depending on the order of intimacy), I’m firmly a polyamorist, so I won’t have problems with having more of these, but the question is can I be a polygamist?
In many countries it’s illegal nonetheless, but what’s a piece of paper and spouse benefits if I can substitute (at least some of) them with various agreements?

Furthermore can my soul-mate be someone who’s not a significant other?
It seems umprovable that you wouldn’t fall in love with such a person, but maybe that’s just not the way we roll. We enjoy each other’s company, but we never get physical, since that would endanger our future together, since we respect each other as independent humans that much we’re transcending Eros, to see more of the mind than the matter.
Could that satisfy our needs for safety, if not for sexual pleasure? Could friends-with-deep-understanding added to friends-with-benefits create an integrity as whole as some consider marriage to be?

I’m driven to the conclusion that I may never find true love which will make me question these beliefs and spread a dog around the questions above; that I may never find true love because I won’t be looking for it… except I may have already found true love, alas unrequited, which will make me even further from the idea of settling down with one person.

Whichever it may be, I’m currently not looking to date long-term, never even say anything about marriage, which I’ll definitely not get. I’m just going to surf around frak-buddies and friends-with-benefits as long as my integrity is holding up.


Survival: Internal Justification

Everything has a reason, even our fundamental core values can be derived onto one singular constant.

For example, You may want a family, because they provide you with understanding, security and affection; feelings and emotions without which your action couldn’t be internally justified, and without internal justification you cannot exist. That’s the basic component of continued consciousness. There are actions which cause your family to be dissatisfied or even dismantled. And there are actions how high will lead to strengthening your bond with your family. This is what your moral compass will be constructed upon, actions which bring you closer or drive you from your instrument for internal justification.
You may want a fulfilling job, that provides stability, depending on the work a fix or flexible routine, co-workers, goals, repetition or spontaneity, creating or destroying.

You may devote your life to religion. Finding a drive outside yourself, following someone else in hopes that they will reward you for your work.

Or you may want experience. Positive feelings and emotions are in themselves what you crave: love, excitement, happiness. You deem actions as positive if they help you achieve these values, but you don’t attach any further tier of logic to them, like a family, a job, justice, creation, preservation, destruction, etc. These positive experiences release happiness hormones in your brain without those values. They are beneficial to you no matter those variables, although some may call this hedonism, but what are others if not hedonists with more values.
Or you may be like me, partly, just slightly different from the last example, you may not distinguish between positive and negative emotions in your experiences. This is where I seem to break the Freudian pleasure principle. You may take whatever sorrow, guilt, hatred, pain, suffering may come at you and you embrace those feelings as you would do with affliction, love or hope. Granting that you may enjoy positive ones more than negatives, you still welcome both. I, for example, generally try to avoid physical pain, slightly because of the physical feeling itself, notably because actions leading to that kind of pain can be counterproductive. (e.g. meaning: I won’t intentionally look for a way to get shot, and if the situation arises I will try to avoid getting shot if it’s more beneficial to some temporary goal.) But I if I do get shot, I’ll seize the pain, experiencing everything around it, immersing myself into the gunshot.

Negative psychological emotions I grant more than physicals ones. Maybe even more than positive psychological ones.
This internal justification is mostly subconscious, it’s main actor is the ‘id‘. This constant is present in all life, although its’ complexity is heavily varied. Humans as the current apex of nature, have the deepest mechanisms in their heads, albeit some humans demonstrate capabilities hardly better than an ignorant animal.

One could most approximately define it as a constant need, an internal justification of one’s existence and life: a meaning.

Actors: Evel Sampson Erebus

You might think Evel, Sampson or Erebus are my real names, (who am I kidding, most people don’t even know Evel is a real name), but you would be mistaken. They are placeholders, defining that I’m wicked enough to deliberately be unconventional, and that I have long hair.

But there’s always more to every story. Wicked is a synonym of evil, which Evel resonates with. Sampson is a biblical character of strength, although I am not at all strong. It also refers to the sun, casting light in the darkness. I am Erebus too, of the deepest of darkness, contrasting to the light I bring, thus contradicting myself, believing two opposites to be true, searching a fair point to incorporate all sides and reaching out for stability, without plunging to extremism.

I am the dark. I am the light.

I am merely a youngster, delving  into the studies of the international. Travelling on a small scope, finding meaning into every action, debating across motions never-ending, managing information to reach their destination. Trying to find the will to do more, trying to justify the cost, where I see my joy, my suffering; here we stand in my surfeited room, where I claim my name to be remembered.